Do Kids Really Need Therapy When Parents Divorce?

Soo… parents have had the talk and they've told the kids.

Even though they love their children very much, the marriage isn’t working and the family will be happier apart. Yup, it’s time to get divorced.

So what next? Does that mean that parents need to rush out and sign those intake papers to start therapy for their kids?

Well…. like a good answer to any question (besides math) - it depends. 

So first things first, after a slight downward trend, anywhere from 35-39% of marriages end in divorce.  Next, there are plenty of co-parents out there that are not legally married but together and co-parenting in the same house. Additionally there are plenty of co-parents who were together (not married) residing in the same home and decided to separate. Lastly it’s important to say that not all people who are divorced have kids or minor children.

Wheew - it’s complicated to say the least. BUT what we do know is that there are a significant chunk of children whose parents were living together and now are getting divorced or separated.  

So after we have established this is a common occurrence, we also need to think about the impact.  Consider this - studies show 94% of kids eat ice cream.  So this is a common thing for kids, however for most of them it is likely a positive experience with minor negative impacts (hello brain freeze!). 

But for divorce, even though it is common, the impact is monumental. Even if divorce is absolutely the best decision for the family, it doesn’t mean it is without distress for kids and families. 

Typically children are losing access to regular consistent contact with both of their attachment figures at the same time. Although there are many types of visitation schedules this means (usually) at some point kids will have to transition between two homes.  This likely brings two sets of rules, environments, access to certain toys, games, or friends, and even different ways they are transported to school. It can also mean higher level executive functioning skills of needing to pack all their important things up to transfer from house to house. 

For some kids this means leaving and selling a childhood home, housing instability with multiple moves, or general financial instability with going from a two income household to one.  For a lot of kids they may not have access to the same types of toys, games, or trips that they may have been used to. 

Additionally there is much grief and loss of “normal”.  Holidays, birthdays, school plays, and play dates all look different.  There are new memories to make and traditions to create, however there is sadness with leaving the old ways and traditions behind. 

When parents have high conflict divorce and co-parenting? This transition becomes increasingly more distressing for children. 

All of these reasons (and more) are why divorce is considered an Adverse Childhood Experience. The Center for Disease Control states that Adverse Childhood Experiences or ACEs are potentially traumatic events that occur in childhood. 

If we dissect “potentially traumatic”, what we know about trauma is that it is not the traumatic event itself that causes trauma symptoms, but our response and making sense of it that leads to trauma symptoms. 

One of the best resources to help navigate which children could benefit from the support of therapy vs. the support of their family and community is this resource HERE on Risk Vs. Resilience factors. 

Long story short, those kids and teens with more risk factors in their lives, such as kids who don’t feel close to their parents and like they can express their feelings OR caregivers who have a limited understanding of children’s needs or development, are likely the kids and teens that could benefit from therapy. Kids with more resilience factors may be able to navigate this change with the support of their parents, other caring adults, and their community without the need for therapy. 

Beyond risk and resilience factors, we also need to look at the symptoms. The symptoms are “how is this playing out in real life for this specific child”?  What is the impact of the divorce or separation? 

The big areas I usually assess as a therapist? In my intake sessions I assess how is divorce impacting family relationships, friendships, engagement in typical or usual activities, and grades or academics.  For younger kids we shift from considering grades and academics to considering developmental milestones - is the distress of this event impacting expected development? 

We can assess how the child was functioning before and after the divorce or separation.  And we also need to consider that it could be the child had impacts and struggles long before the divorce potentially due to high levels of stress and conflict in the home leading up to the decision for parents to get divorced. 

Next for symptoms I typically like to assess the overall mood.  Consider the child who still gets all A’s but now is having panic attacks about tests, fighting with parents about getting homework done, and procrastinating.  The academic success is still there, but at a significant emotional and mental health cost. I typically ask about significant shifts in mood including general anxiety, depression, and anger.    

Once we understand the impact of a child’s functioning and their overall emotions and wellbeing, then and only then, can we start to answer the questions if therapy would be beneficial!  Hopefully this helps support you in your intakes with children of divorce and separation to help make recommendations about the potential benefits and necessity of therapy! 

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