Facing Fears: How Avoidance Fuels Anxiety in Children

Fear and worry are biologically protective.  Uncomfortable feelings like anxiety give us the clues and cues that we don’t like what is happening in our current environment, or something that we think might happen in the future, and we want it to be different.

But fear and anxiety?  These are the feelings and warning signs that have to do with safety. Fear is an emotional response to an immediate threat that is real or perceived.  It’s our body's natural alarm system that says “get out of here NOW!” .  Fear usually happens in the moment like with a student that is anxious while the test is being handed out or fearful to try a new move in dance class when it's their turn. 

Anxiety or worry is repetitive thinking about potential threats or problems, that may or may not happen.  It’s future oriented about all the possibilities that might happen in the future. 

And anxiety? Well…. It’s more about keeping us safe so this emotion is cautious.  It would rather think something is anxiety producing and have it be safe than the other way around.

And the trouble with anxiety (beyond being wildly inaccurate) is that worrying about something does nothing to prevent the topic of worry from happening.  Like the kid who is worried about what questions will be on the test at the end of the week, but all the anxiety and stress is preventing them from studying. 

Now, what usually happens when fear and anxiety come up for kids who come into the playroom is symptoms of avoidance. Kids often think the thing they are worried about is too big, too much, and too dangerous.  

These are the kids that dig in their heels on the way to school, cling to their parents on the sidelines, or they just happen to be in the bathroom when their name is called for the big presentation.  You can literally see the smoke cloud. 

And while avoidance may SEEM like a good way to get rid of anxiety, it actually has some pretty dangerous consequences.

Now first, I think we need a big disclaimer.  We don’t want to set kids up to do things they are unable to do.  A kid with no regulation skills or tools should not be expected to face something that gives them intense fear.  Kids also shouldn’t be expected to engage in activities that are above their developmental level, emotionally unsafe (ie go to the party even when their bully is there), or that they will not succeed due to other external factors.

BUT if all the safety conditions are true (the child has a toolbox of regulation skills, developmentally they are able to engage in the task with some success, there is emotional safety) avoidance can make anxiety significantly worse.  

When a child comes up against a fear producing stimuli or trigger, anxiety symptoms spike - including physiological, somatic, cognitive and behavioral. When a child avoids an anxiety activity or task their anxiety likely decreases quite quickly.  Good right?

Nope.

The conditions that were actually created was an experience filed in the child’s brain saying “See, you shouldn’t have done that thing. It wasn’t safe. It was too much.  You couldn’t handle it”. 

And then next time the child comes against a fear producing trigger this memory pops up and the child has the experience that the only safe thing to do is avoid because they couldn't handle it then and can't handle it now.  Repetitive experiences of avoiding over and over leads to stronger memory network linking safety and avoidance and phobic reactions for typical, safe, and expected life events.  

So what does this mean?  Sometimes kids need safe struggle.  With a regulated adult, grownup, or parent as a co-pilot to sail through the anxiety together.  And once kids come out on the other side?

They install thoughts and feelings in their memory network of capability, strength and power!  See more about that HERE!  


AND if it’s the parents that are avoiding?  Check out this resource HERE! AND if parents need some regulation support check out this resource HERE! 

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