Get Kids To Stop Telling You What They Think You Want To Hear In Play Therapy

How often does that fear creep in for you that kids are just telling you what you want to hear in the playroom? 

This is definitely a real challenge for play therapists, and therapists that work with grownups too!  One of the big challenges with kids is comprehension.  They might not exactly understand what you are saying, might not want to ask questions, and just agree so you can “move on”.  

Other kids have a deep underlying desire to please others, that is likely part of the clinical picture of why they are seeing you in the first place! For this set of children they may know that they do not agree with what you are saying, have a different opinion, or don’t truly feel like anything they say will be okay.  And all of this leads them to give you the answer they “think” you want to hear! 

I wanted to offer two strategies to help increase genuineness in the playroom and help you to get kids to express what they are actually thinking and feeling vs. telling you what they think you want to hear!

First comes down to Carl Rogers unconditional positive regard. Whether you are Child Centered or Client Centered (or not) I believe unconditional positive regard is essential for any therapy practice.  This means you truly accept kids just the way they are. Yup - whether they did their therapy homework or not, snuck out of the house, or had an epic meltdown that destroyed the TV. No conditions are placed on your acceptance for the child.

If we start here and continue to hold unconditional positive regard we are actually creating significant safety and healing in relationship for the client to express themselves just as they are.  And in Child Centered Play Therapy?  This means some pretty big themes might emerge in the play because the child knows you are safe and able to be a container for their big emotions, experiences, and themes! 

So what about when we are outside of Child Centered Play OR if this isn’t your theory?  Well...during more directive play therapy times I wanted to share one of the techniques I use for kids to normalize a variety of different reactions, emotions, and experiences.

I call this the “buffet of options”.  This means if a child is struggling to come up with an answer you can use the prompt “some kids…”.   

If you are talking about the toughest thing about going to school you could say “some kids might say that getting out of bed is the toughest thing, others might say that they don’t know who to play with on the playground, other kids might say they miss their parents, and some kids have a really hard time with subjects like math or reading.  And a lot of kids have other reasons why school is tough.  What makes school the toughest for you?”

With this way of talking about things we have modeled and normalized a wide variety of triggers AND have shown unconditional positive regard that none of those issues or triggers are good or bad.  I also like to pop in one or two that I think could apply to the child (based on our previous therapy) and a couple that might not apply.  

With a “buffet of options” a child is likely to pick one or generate their own that is more genuine to them because they are not guessing what YOU think is the right one because you have modeled that there is no such thing! 

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