Help Anxious Kids Get Out The Door Without The Struggle: Play Therapy Parenting Skills

One of the biggest pain points in a caregiver’s life is transitions.  You know - out the door in the morning, getting on pajamas, or setting the table for dinner. 

AND if these transitions are stressful for parents you bet they are stressful for kids too! And for a child with anxiety the stress can be so much worse. 

The times of transition are filled with thoughts, worries, and fears about what is getting left behind, things that are undone, and the future.  Future thoughts may look like worries they aren’t going to get to come back or finish a preferred activity, or fears about how hard, difficult, or painful the next activity will be. 

Sometimes kids don’t know what is going to happen next and these transitions can lead them to feeling majorly out of control.  And when kids are out of control? Sometimes they completely lose all capacity to regulate emotions and enter a fight-flight response OR they try to take control in ways that are unhelpful for them and their surroundings.

This might look like saying no, pretending they can’t hear you (when they really can), asking for 5 more minutes (at least 10 times), yelling, throwing things, saying “I know” in a really frustrated way - you get the point. 

At the end of the day when a child with anxiety is in the middle of transition it can be a time filled with dysregulation and doubt. 

I wanted to share my top 8 tips for getting a child out the door without the stress: 

Regulate yourself 

This is the absolute most important thing when we are thinking about smooth transitions.  Children are like sponges and pick up on the nervous system activation in the environment around them.  A dysregulated adult can never equal a calm and regulated transition for a child. If you need more support for parents and caregivers grab your FREE parent guide for co-regulation HERE! 

Create enough time 

If you are running 15 minutes late everyday this is a HUGE red warning sign that the family system does not have enough time to accomplish the desired tasks in the amount of time allotted.  Sometimes for the kid that drags their feet bumping up the time to get ready to transition is temporary until they can develop the skills, routines, and habit to get out the door on time.  For other kids they just need more time. This may mean cutting things out of the morning routine, pre-prepping some things, or waking up earlier.  

Identify the traps 

I encourage grownups and caregivers to scan the last weeks worth or mornings and identify if there are any common themes and “time traps” that are getting in the way of transitioning.  If a child begins their morning routine by watching the iPad but then is taking 20 minutes to transition off due to a tantrum we miiiiight want to switch up the routine.  If a child is spending 45 minutes eating a bowl of cereal but they are really invested in the TV show they are watching, again this might be a time trap where we might want to reconsider the activity or the order! 

Create consistency 

Tagging along with the tip above - whenever possible make the unknown known.  The unknown is one of the threats of the nervous system and if the grownups can have a clear sequence that stays the same each time this is significant for decreasing anxiety for young people for transitions. This might mean our morning routine stays the same each day including the sequential order. 

Give a roadmap 

Prior to the transition let your child know the several steps they will need to go through before leaving.  If this is the same everyday it is easy to get on repetition.  You know you are succeeding if your child says “I know, I know” and then can repeat the sequence back.  This might sound like “we have 5 more minutes of relaxation time, then we will eat breakfast, brush our teeth, and get our clothes on”.  For some kids they can only handle 1-2 steps at a time so tailoring any approach to the individual child is essential. 

Identify extra supports. 

A child may be in need of extra supports.  For some kids this means picking out an outfit the night before (with a commitment of no switching!), an interactive picture guide to help with routine (think along the lines of a chart or a social story), or just more adult checking in and supervision.  Here we ask the question of how the system can increase supports for the success of the child! 

Give a warning 

This one is a must and depends on age. Some kids need a 10 minute, 5 minute, and 1 minute warning.  This helps them wrap up the activity they are engaging in and get their brain ready for the next task at hand.  

Co-regulate and review structure 

We started with co-regulation and we are going to end with co-regulation! Hopefully with all these tools and supports anxiety is significantly decreased, regulation is increased, and kids are feeling good and confident about getting out the door on time.  However, sometimes there are bumps and growing pains along the way.  For these kids a regulated adult who can re-state the structure and use co-regulation skills is key.  It might sound like “it’s time to be done with breakfast, your job is to brush your teeth”.  It could also sound like offering regulation tools and support.  Grownups might say “I get the morning is a really hard time, would you like to take a breath to help you get your shoes on or do you need something else?”.  Sometimes this also looks like defaulting to structure, limits, or rules about what will happen if a child does or does not get out of the house on time. 

So there you have it! My 8 tips to get kids out of the door in the morning without the stress! Hopefully some of these strategies are helpful for the kids, teens, and families you see in your practice! 

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