Play Therapy Parenting: 3 Traits to Reinforce that Aren't Achievement Based

A little bit of reinforcement is worth its weight in GOLD for kids mental health. Okay, to be honest, this is true for adults too.  We absolutely LOVE to be told that we are doing a good job, we are appreciated, or we are on the right track!
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Want to know more about the power of reinforcement, and why we should throw it around like glitter? Check out more HERE! ​

So quick reminder - in the behavioral world, reinforce just means to target a behavior in hopes that the specific behavior increases (as opposed to punishment which we want the behavior to decrease).  Learn more about punishment vs. reinforcement HERE! 

Reinforcement can be positive (which just means we add a little something) or negative (which means we remove something). 

Positive reinforcement would be to give a child who is sharing a verbal compliment in hopes the sharing increases.  Negative reinforcement would be to remove a chore from a child who completed their morning routine on time in hopes that they would continue to be a rockstar in the morning.  Both the positive (giving) and negative (removal) reinforcement are done in hopes of increasing positive, adaptive, and helpful behaviors. 

Wheewww - now we can take off our grad school hats and I want to talk about when positive reinforcement can take a hard left into a pretty negative place.  

So what am I talking about?  Isn’t reinforcement always a good thing?

Not exactly. 

Consider this - a child only gets attention and reinforcement for getting an A, scoring the winning goal, or doing the perfect pirouette.  Eeeek - what message are we unintentionally giving kids? You are only good and have worth and value if you achieve.  

And this?  Well this breeds kids that are perfectionistic, begin to believe their caregivers love is conditional, and are really dang hard on themselves.  Cue the negative shame spiral when their paper gets a B+.  

Parents that have the best intentions and are trying to improve their relationship and attachment with their child can often get sucked into this trap. Maybe this was all that was modeled to them in their childhood.  Or maybe they struggle to find the exact words for what to say that is beyond the tangible achievements like a trophy, report card, or award. 

And if these sound like some of the parents you work with - you are going to need this list below! The good news is that with a little coaching and modeling parents can quite easily get the hang of this and start to see all kinds of little, and big, things to reinforce in their child’s life - leading to increased positive relationships!  Woo hoo!!! 

Effort 

The first thing on my list is reinforcing effort.  This might sound like when a child is drawing noticing when a child slows down and is really trying their best vs. reinforcing the end outcome of a beautiful picture (even if it is amazing and you can definitely reinforce this too as long as it isn’t the only thing). An example of reinforcing effort could also be an athlete who really pushes it on their sprints vs. reinforcing the achievement of making a goal. Another big one for parents is reinforcing the time and effort a child put into an academic accomplishment vs. the grade.  For this one parents can notice how much effort a child put into studying their flashcards vs. getting an A.  

Creativity 

Creativity comes in SO many forms. And creativity can also be incredibly vulnerable for kids and lead to feeling like their ideas or risks aren’t good enough.  Reinforcing creativity can be in the form of a child adding a special ingredient to their cookies that isn’t in the recipe (hello cinnamon!), coming up with a creative story, or simply finding a new way to solve a problem! 

Kindness 

This is an awesome one because this is a trait that most kids show on a daily basis!  It can be allowing a sibling to have the front seat, helping haul in a bag of groceries, or giving someone a compliment. And the amazing thing about reinforcing kindness?  It actually does wonders for mental health!  When we are kind to others we get tons of good feelings inside of us too!  


Regulation Skills 

This is a tricky one so I want to be clear that we don’t want to reinforce regulation in a way that shames having big feelings. Big feelings are a normal part of life and not even the most zen of adults are regulated 100% of the time.  What I am talking about is seeing a child make a small regulation effort.  My favorites?  Seeing them take a deep breath in the moment, using their Crazy Aarons Thinking Putty when their math homework is getting too hard, or asking questions to get more information rather than jumping to conclusions and blowing things out of proportion.  There are a million other micro ways that children regulate and when we can catch and reinforce these moments they will grow!

So that’s a wrap on three of my favorite things to reinforce for kids and teens that help grow relationships, skills regulation, and attachment! 

If you are looking for more support in your work with parents and caregivers in the playroom check out my course Holding Systems: Supporting Parents and Caregivers in The Playroom! 

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