As a therapist you likely focus on regulation skills with the parents and families you work with. Emotional regulation can be broken down into two categories: co-regulation (someone outside of ourselves is supporting regulation) or self-regulation (the regulation mechanisms we use by ourselves or on our own).
Co-regulation is a complex process that develops within the attachment relationship and starts at infancy. Check out this deep dive on co-regulation HERE and grab your FREE parent guide for co-regulation HERE!
So, a lot of times in the regulation world - that’s it. We talk with parents about co-regulation and skills for calming and self-regulation skills for kids BUT there is another important concept in the regulation world that is often forgotten. And that my friends is co-escalation. Co-escalation is when one party is dysregulated, and because our bodies and nervous systems are wired to pick up on cues from our environment and others, the other party begins to get dysregulated and escalated too. This is a survival mechanism where we rely on the cues of others to notify us of danger. If there is danger our nervous systems can mobilize to fight or run away. The bummer news? Rarely does a co-escalation situation ever have an element of physical danger. Typically it is dishes that haven’t been done, screens that are being snuck, or forgetting a water bottle at practice… again. So regulation can often be an equation. We can have a regulated child and a regulated adult and most often the situation will be regulated. BUT if one of the parties is dysregulated then co-escalation - where both parties get more and more escalated - occurs. This looks like someone raising their voice, the other party starting to yell, and with everyone operating in their brainstem helpful decisions likely aren’t being made. It’s kind of like in the Breakfast Club when Bender gets two months of detention. So, the only way a child can calm and regulate is if the grownups are regulated themselves. There is no part in this equation where a dysregulated grown up (ie yelling, stressed, or dysregulated) can lead to a regulated child. See this metaphor HERE about the turtle and it’s shell. Now sometimes an angry response will lead to fear and freezing in the child where they look compliant, but inside their nervous system is still detecting a threat and they aren’t exactly calm or regulated. This nervous system energy can be repressed or “come out sideways” later, none of which is healthy or contributing to mental wellness. So when we are talking about co-regulation with parents and we have taught them the skills, it’s important to also teach about co-escalation to help parents get a clear understanding if they are co-regulating or co-escalating! Looking for more resources for regulation? Check out my training on Keep Calm and Regulate On: Play Therapy and the Neuroscience of Emotional Regulation! Loading...
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Hi, there!I'm Ann Meehan, an LPCC, Loading... Archives
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