Play Therapy Parenting Skills: How To Help Kids Be More Patient

In this Parenting Skills Series I am going to share some of the quick tips and phrases I share with parents daily in my practice to help them become the parents they want to be! When parents can have skills, tips, and tools to help them navigate in their parenting journey they grow in their confidence and regulation in supporting their children in life’s ups and downs! 

Today is all about how to help kids develop distress tolerance skills and develop patience!  I mean.... as much patience as is developmentally appropriate for kids! 
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Anyone who has kids has likely had this Family Guy scene play out in your parenting.  And if not, we need to talk.  Seriously, your parenting secrets will make you but-your-own-island-rich. 

First let’s get one thing straight.  At some point, it’s absolutely developmentally appropriate for kids to lack patience and impulse control skills.  They know what they want and they want it now!  

And for other kids on your caseload this is a skill that is appropriate for them to develop and work on.  These are the kids I'm talking about today.  For these kids, the need to have their parents pay attention to them and solve their problems like-right-now is a part of the bigger picture of their dysregulation. This can come in all shapes and sizes from a child that has anxiety and wants to be soothed by their parent’s attention, answers, and fixes to their problems to a child with ADHD that has some struggles with impulse control.

Either way, I wanted to share one of my favorite parenting phrases I use with with parents in my office and when kids and teens struggle with patience.  This phrase is great for kids who expect their parents to jump up the moment they are needed. 

Their parent is in the middle of doing dishes? Helping them find their missing Nerf dart is more important.  Talking on the phone? They need their parent to get their snack ready - now! 

So what is the phrase?  “I’m not available right now”.  

So here is some context, most kids need some pre-teaching about what this actually means.  What it doesn’t mean? You’re on your own because I will never help you.  And when some kids initially hear the phrase “I’m not available right now” that is what their brain interprets. 

Additionally, for kids with attachment trauma this could be terrifying to hear a parent say that without any context, and it is definitely not a one-size-fits-all intervention.  But even for kids with attachment trauma the important part is pre-teaching and the “right now” part. That connection, love, affection, and attachment can’t be turned on and off and (in a safe way) they can tolerate the distress of waiting until their parent has finished a task. 

You can explain to a child that you will always love and care for them and that you will always be there to help support them in an emergency. Now let's pause - it’s also important to detail out what exactly constitutes as an emergency. For most families that includes bumps, cuts, and problems that are outside of their abilities (think overflowing toilet, the cat ran out of the house, or opening the fridge and all of the contents comes tumbling out).  

Next you can discuss that some problems can wait.  For each family this may be different but it can include getting access to video games, preparing a snack, getting something off a high shelf, braiding their barbies hair, and generally things that are able to wait for a minute or two and sometimes longer.  

For some kids they need the following: “I’m not available right now. I will help you in 5 minutes when I’m done [with whatever task]”.  This can be helpful for kids with trauma, attachment difficulties, or anxiety.  Sometimes you can have a visual timer to help them track when a parent will be available again.  

Some kids benefit from labeling the problem as something that can wait, or having parents coach or give available options with how to tolerate the distress of not having their needs met exactly in the moment. This could be suggesting a regulation activity such as taking 5 deep breaths OR an alternative activity such as putting away their laundry or selecting another toy to play with.  

For kids who need to navigate in the world where everything can’t come to a screeching halt every time they need something, learning this distress tolerance skill at home with a safe adult is crucial for success with peers, at school, and during activities! 

If you are looking for more support in your work with parents and caregivers in the playroom check out my course Holding Systems: Supporting Parents and Caregivers in The Playroom! 

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