Play Therapy Parenting Skills: How to Help Kids Make Effective Choices

In this Parenting Skills Series I am going to share some of the quick tips and phrases I share with parents daily in my practice to help them become the parents they want to be! When parents can have skills, tips, and tools to help them navigate in their parenting journey they grow in their confidence and regulation in supporting their children in life’s ups and downs! 

And today it is all about how to help kids make more effective choices. 
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Sometimes when kids hit a speed bump in life and things didn’t work out exaaacctly how they anticipated or hoped it can lead to paralysis, panic, anger, and you guessed it - meltdowns.  Those stuck icky feelings to come on when the thing the child realllllly had their heart set on doesn’t work out. 

The playdate gets cancelled, they can’t have a cupcake approximately 3 minutes before dinner time, you don’t have any more scotch tape for their creations (because they used it all last week), or you won’t let them take their DS to school to show their friends at lunch time. 

All of this? It’s disappointing, frustrating, and heartbreaking. 

And although as a parent it is SO important to validate a child’s feelings when plan A didn’t work, I also rarely recommend parents come in and solve the problem for the child. Not only do kids NOT love the option parents have (if you're hungry wait until dinner) but it can inadvertently give kids the message that they aren’t capable of solving their own problems.  Also as a quick side note - these are age appropriate problems that kids are capable of solving. 

So what are parents to do when the child might persist in trying to get the exact thing they want (cue arguing, whining, and stomping) while at the same time not 100% solving their child's problem? 

One of my favorite phrases in my work with parents (and as a mom) after I provide empathy and validation is “What are your available options?”.  This simple phrase can help kids leap from the right side of their brain (where they are deep in the feels) to the left side of their brain (reason and logic) and jump start regulation and the problem solving process! 

This language of “available options” also helps close the loophole when kids throw out ways they are going to solve the problem that either break a rule, a boundary, or a parent has already said no to. 

This is the kid who says “okay I can’t have a doughnut before dinner so I’ll just have a Snickers bar instead” where a parent can commend the creativity but still hold the limit and boundary. 

For some houses the available option might be to have an apple when parents are getting dinner on the table, wait for the doughnut for dessert, or have it for breakfast in the morning.  Once kids can understand, with the help of their parents, that there are many ways to solve problems (and get their needs met) they become better problem solvers themselves leading to less stuck and dysregulated moments when they hit those pesky road bumps! 

Another great resource is this free download HERE about how to find what is actually underneath the behavior or request! When we can both deeply understand why something is so important to a child and coach them to solve their problems with the need in mind that is the peanut-butter-and-jelly-winning-combination! 

If you are looking for more support in your work with parents and caregivers in the playroom check out my course Holding Systems: Supporting Parents and Caregivers in The Playroom!  

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