Quit Parenting Through Fear: How To Help Parents Stop Walking on Eggshells

One thing I hear parents say often is “well… I can’t [insert consequence here] because he will just get mad and have a meltdown”.  

The consequence can be anywhere from not having bike riding privileges when a child has broken the rule and gone outside the agreed upon boundaries to losing screen time in the morning when they are constantly 20 minutes late getting out the door because they can’t transition off their technology. 

Check out more about the difference between consequences and punishment HERE! 

The short version is that a child will continue to pursue a behavior that is “working” for them in some way. A consequence (check out the three types HERE) happens right after a behavior and can lead to an increase in that behavior OR a decrease. 

In an ideal world a related consequence might be praise to an older sibling who is helping their younger sibling with a chore leading to more cooperative behavior.  A natural consequence might be a child who is too focused on social interactions at lunch and doesn’t get to eat all of their lunch (don’t worry there is snack in the afternoon!) 

But what about when this turns into less than ideal circumstances? 

What about when a child’s younger sibling is standing in front of the TV when a child is gaming and the older sibling calls a name and aggresses towards the child.  Instead of game time being over and the child needing to regulate and apologize the parent allows the child to continue the preferred activity. 

Oh boy. What just happened is that aggression and name calling became effective.  My sibling is no longer standing in the way of my game AND I get to keep playing. 

And the reason for this? Parents will often say “well if I take away his electronics / send her to her room / make them apologize and take a break…. It will get worse”. 

“I can’t do that or they will have a meltdown”.

This fear is what I call walking on eggshells or parenting through fear. 

And the dangerous part about this is the child learns (either consciously or unconsciously) that their anger and their parents fear is a powerful tool to get them the things that they want.  This can also be called a “secondary gain” of anger. 

It is also terrifying to children when their parents are no longer in control or authority. This can lead to escalation of behavior even more to see what is the extreme point when parents will intervene.  

So when you find yourself in this position with a family system here are some of my best tips: 

Dispel the myth that having a tantrum or a meltdown is a bad thing 

At the end of the day, kids get dysregulated. Taking back parental authority and control can be exhausting, but first we need to explore and understand what the parent will fear will happen and get a plan.  

Provide psychoeducation on emotional regulation 

All the good stuff, including how avoiding consequences to avoid anger is likely making the issue worse and the child feeling more out of control.  Also you NEED strong psychoeducation about an extinction burst - that things are likely to get worse before they get better - you might need this tool HERE! 

Make sure the caregiver and child have regulation tools 

If the child and caregiving system has limited regulation tools and skills we MUST build these up first before we push for change! For kids and teens check out these absolutely FREE regulation resources HERE and HERE. 

For parents, make sure they are co-regulating rather than co-escalating (more on that HERE) and have them check out this deep dive on co-regulation HERE and grab your FREE parent guide for co-regulation HERE! 

Develop a plan 

You may likely need a parenting session alone or two to evaluate the caregiving system, what they might be ready for, consequences that are within their values and appropriate for the child, take potential trauma into consideration, and identify and reinforce needed parenting skills and tools. 

Evaluate and change 

As with any plan - nothing is perfect from the start.  Strong continued parent support for implementing parenting strategies and skills will be needed throughout the journey. 

If you are looking for more support in your work with parents and caregivers in the playroom check out my course Holding Systems: Supporting Parents and Caregivers in The Playroom!  This course takes you in depth into parenting skills and regulation to up your play therapy confidence and competence! 

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