Working With Divorce in Play Therapy: From High Conflict Divorce To High Conflict Co Parenting

When thinking about divorce and separation sometimes it feels like there needs to be a dictionary of terms. 

And definition and terms? They are essential for understanding and making sense of all of the complex concepts that come with working with divorced and separated family systems, which allows you to increase your ability to support the kids, teens, and families that come into your playroom.

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Wheew - let’s start with some resources to kick us off. 

 Grab my absolutely FREE cheat sheet to some of the best referrals and resources for working with divorced family systems HERE. Next, check out the two of the most common parenting styles with divorced or separated family systems HERE.    

The last resource dives into the pros and cons of co-parenting vs. parallel parenting.  Both have benefits for divorced family systems and both share a common goal to decrease their child’s exposure to conflict and hostility.  

With co-parenting families work to make decisions together for their children and with parallel parenting families minimize conflict by minimizing contact.  Both of these have benefits, as we know that the more parents can shield their kids and teens from disagreement and conflict the better kids and teens will adjust to the divorce.  

But what about when it doesn’t work out like that? 

What about the families that share joint legal and physical custody that continue to attempt to solve problems in ways that aren’t very helpful? The families that make negative comments about the other parent, are hostile, and where the child has a front and center seat to the conflict? 

Historically we have used the term High Conflict Divorce.  A high-conflict divorce involves significant disagreements between ex-spouses on key issues such as child custody, property division, and spousal support. These cases often escalate due to ongoing hostility, lack of communication, and an unwillingness to compromise.

An additional factor in High Conflict Divorce is financial means.  Typically these families have enough financial resources to afford to hire a lawyer or parenting consultant to take these issues back to court again and again, prolonging the conflict. 

But what about when the divorce is technically over? The papers are signed but the conflict persists?

For these families the term “High Conflict Divorce” doesn’t exactly fit due to the divorce being over, but at the same time co-parenting or parallel parenting didn’t quite fit either.

Because of all this the term that I have landed on and use with my families is “High Conflict Co-Parenting”.  

For these families the conflict still persists even though the divorce is over.  These families are unable to nearly completely cease contact as with parallel parenting but significantly struggle to keep their children out of the conflict as with co-parenting. 

For these families, children are exposed to more conflict, potentially more services, and have more exposure to continued court proceedings. For these kids due to the stressors being ongoing it likely will mean a longer course of therapy or more intense supports are needed. 

This is because research has showed us that kids who are kept out of the middle of conflict adjust better to the changes of the divorce and have less mental health impacts.  Well... the opposite is also true.  Higher levels of conflict and prolonged conflict often mean higher levels of mental health symptoms. 

Additionally it is hard to heal from the distress of the divorce and conflict when it is ongoing.  Due to these dynamics children from high conflict co-parenting systems may have a longer course of therapy due to the sheer ongoing volume of distressing conflicts and situations that affect their lives. 

It is essential to understand the specific parenting dynamics that present in the playroom with divorce and separation to understand how these dynamics will affect symptoms and trajectory of therapy! 

If you haven’t already grab my free guide for referrals and resources for high conflict divorce and co-parenting HERE! 

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