Co-regulation is an essential concept for parents to understand in moving towards mental wellness for their child.  I do a deeper dive on co-regulation HERE and emotional regulation HERE, but wanted to address some of the most common misconceptions, questions, and concerns I get from parents when we talk about co-regulation.  
 
If parents have been raised in a family system with more of an authoritarian parenting style, have beliefs that their child should be “old enough” to do the things they want and need them to do, are used to structuring the environment to remove the majority of barriers and distress for their child, or are just plain exhausted they may be a little skeptical about co-regulation. 
 
I wanted to address the six biggest questions or concerns parents have when I talk about co-regulation and how I respond in session. 

1. “If I drop everything to regulate with my child isn't that "giving in"?”  
Sometimes parents will mistake co-regulating with their child as "giving in".  Like, if they stop and spend time with their child regulating that the child has “won”.  BUT this is absolutely not the case.  When we co-regulate we are giving the child what they developmentally need to calm their brain and begin to use the higher brain regions again – the parts of the brain that are logical, reasonable, and that are able to do what is needed and expected. One of my favorite quotes from Robyn Gobbel says it all “regulated connected kids who feel safe (and who know what to do) behave well".

2. “So I should just give in or give my child what she wants when she is upset?”  
Now sometimes parents use giving into their child as an actual strategy to regulate. Like giving the child who is sobbing and dysregulated at the cash register the candy they want to soothe them after a limit had already been set. This is such a tricky one because in the short term the child will likely regulate once they get what they want quicker than if they do not.  However, what this can reinforce and teach a child that dysregulation is a tool to get what they want - ie when I become dysregualted my parents give in.  It develops what we call a "secondary gain".  This can overall lead to increased levels of dysregulation. It also doesn’t help them widen their window of tolerance and ability to tolerate things in their environment when they are distressed.  

3. “So I can’t set limits, boundaries, or have natural consequences when he is upset and tantruming?”.  Some parents believe that if the goal is to co-regulate then that means there shouldn’t be any limits, boundaries, or consequences.  Well, it’s actually the opposite! Consistent limits and boundaries can actually make a child feel safer and regulate quicker. They know a parent is serious and will follow through. Limits and boundaries for safety can absolutely happen during dysregulation, however the child’s capacity to actually hear and understand consequences should wait until the child is regulated and has access to those reason and logic parts of their brain. Limits or boundaries set should use simple short sentences without any lecture or explaining and should be given with cues of safety.  

4. “If I set a limit or give a natural consequence after the tantrum she is just going to get upset again”.  Yes, that could be true! AND natural appropriate consequences are what promotes learning to help widen the window of tolerance and ability to handle distress.  Short term a child may get upset again quickly, but longer term skills will be built to increase distress tolerance. This also helps parents establish themselves as safe and consistent so the child knows what to expect. Also limits and natural consequences should be given with care, empathy, and connection. 

5. “So I should just let my child yell at me or say whatever they want to me?” I have many parents that say “okay - so I just let them walk all over me?”.  Well, not exactly.  You want to make sure as a parent you give safe and social cues (see above) and at the same time hold limits and boundaries (again see above).  One of the boundaries during dysregulation (if a child is physically safe) might be a parent sharing that they are willing to problem solve the math homework as long as the child has a calm voice.  

6. “So I can’t show my own emotion?” Yes! Parents can absolutely have and express their own emotions, as long as they are in their window of tolerance.  Parents can express they are sad, mad, anxious, or disappointed as long as they do so in a regulated controlled way.  If it comes out with yelling, violent behavior, the child feeling like they need to comfort the parent, or the parent centering themselves it is likely the parent needs a break.  This might mean taking some time to be alone in their room (modeling), regulating themselves, or seeking connection from one of their social supports.  It is always better to leave and have a break to regulate than staying in a conversation or situation where the parent is going to go out of their window of tolerance. 

7."Why should I change when yelling works?”.  Yup, sometimes it does.  This is usually because young people feel a threat or danger cue from the parent and feel unsafe and fearful to the point they can regulate enough to get through the situation.  Usually the feeling is repressed and the “expected response” is given at the expense of feeling safe within the relationship.  This usually leads to more dysregulation down the road (because if yelling “solved” the problem families would not be presenting for therapy) and harm to the attachment relationship.  If we expect children to be regulated we need to model regulation as adults. 

Want to learn more about Play Therapy and the neuroscience of regulation? Check out this training HERE! ​

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Emotional regulation is the ability of our nervous system to control or regulate emotional responses to something our nervous system deems threatening. It is the ability to stay mindful, present, and work through emotions while our prefrontal cortex (logic, problem solving and reasoning) stays active! Check out a deeper dive on emotional regulation HERE! 
 
Emotional regulation can be broken down into co-regulation (someone outside of ourselves is supporting regulation) or self-regulation (the regulation mechanisms we do by ourselves or on our own). 
 
Co-regulation is a complex process that develops within the attachment relationship and starts at infancy. It is developed through an attuned caregiver who is able to provide consistent and safe responses to an infant's distress.  The attunement, attachment, and regulation skills are imprinted in memory and form the basis for self-regulation. 
 
In short, co-regulation in the attachment relationship lays the foundation for self-regulation.
 
Dr. Allan Schore describes the attachment relationship as how a mother helps the infant regulate emotion.  And these neural patterns and connections?  Well, the infant takes these patterns as a map of regulation that the infant will use across their life. 
 
Going further Dr. Schore states that “attachment theory is essentially a regulatory theory, and attachment can be defined as the interactive regulation of biological synchronicity between organisms.” He also sees an early task of development as transferring regulation from exclusively externally driven (co-regulation) to internal driven (the ability to regulate self). 
 
Many of the young people we see may have had preverbal trauma, a dysregulated caregiver, or other distressing life events that disrupted the attachment relationship and led to difficulty regulating in the here and now. 
 
AND our need for co-regulation doesn’t stop once our capacity for self-regulation develops. As humans we never stop needing the support, understanding, validation, and empathy from others. 
 
So just what exactly does co-regulation look like?  
 
The three pillars of co-regulation according to Duke University are:

1. A warm responsive relationship by showing care and affection and identifying and responding to cues of distress, wants and needs.  This also means building strong relationships by supporting the child in times of distress and genuinely caring about the interests and world of the child.  A warm and responsive relationship also means showing the child respect and unconditional positive regard. 

2. Structure the Environment by providing a “buffer” against environmental stressors by creating an environment that is developmentally appropriate and physically and emotionally safe. This creates an environment where a child is able to learn and explore their environment in a safe way.  This also means predictable routines and expectations. 

3.Teaching and coaching self regulation skills through parent modeling, teaching, and practice. This also might mean the parent holds the structure and prompts skill use and reinforces successful regulation skills.  We can’t expect children to know how to regulate if they don’t have the tools in their toolbox!   
Another truth?  When you work with kids, you work with parents. AND you need to become really comfortable teaching parents about co-regulation with their child. Because co-regulation helps develop self-regulation!
 
Children who have deficits in self regulation capacity need a supportive, attuned, consistent, and safe caregiver to help them imprint and encode these neural patterns and connections until they are strong and engrained enough that the child is able to access them without their caregiver. 

Want to learn more about Play Therapy and the neuroscience of regulation? Check out this training HERE! 
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Nearly every child that walks through my door has difficulties with regulation. (I would say 100% but I am not an absolute kind of gal.)
 
According to the American Psychological Association emotional regulation is the ability of an individual to modulate an emotion or set of emotions.  (Check out my 4 truths about emotional regulation HERE! )
 
Due to early traumatic life experiences, genetics, and/or the attachment relationship most of the young people that come into my office are struggling with their gas pedal.  
 
Some are pressing down hard on the gas leading to high intensity of emotion (sympathetic nervous system activation with increased heart rate and breathing, upset stomachs, sweating, etc.).  These are the kids that are angry, throwing things, tantruming, having panic episodes, or crying. 
 
Other kids are slamming on the breaks or putting themselves in park.  These are the kids that are in their parasympathetic nervous system and might be hypoaroused where they are not having a desire to do anything, isolating, and/or are under the covers. 
 
Both are having trouble with their nervous system regulation triggering the fight or flight response. Both sets of responses mean young people’s bodies and nervous systems are deeming something in their environment as unsafe or dangerous. 
 
And this whole reaction? Well it is out of our conscious awareness. We don’t choose fight or flight - our bodies prepare us for action when we are in danger. 
 
Dr. Dan Siegel calls our optimal zone of nervous system arousal our “Window of Tolerance”.  Here we are regulated, able to move through emotions, able to access higher levels of thinking like reason and logic, are able to be mindful, and are able to be connected to our bodies and sense of self. 
 
And what we know is that with higher levels of trauma and stress we are triggered more often by smaller stimuli.  Or more simply - trauma and chronic stress shrink our window of tolerance. 
 
Lisa Dion identifies four threats to the nervous system in her book Aggression in Play Therapy.  They are:

1. Physical Pain
2. The Unknown
3. Incongruence in the environment
4. “Shoulds” and “unrealistic expectations”

 
When we look at this list we can begin to understand why transitions, attempting to hide things from children, or expecting things from children that they are not able to successfully achieve can be deemed scary, threatening, and dangerous.  The child’s amygdala deems these incidents as threatening and scary as if there were a lion in the room.  The nervous system reacts the same exact way.
 
When we go further and think about the filing and storing of trauma experiences we can further understand dysregulation.  We know that  “neurons that fire together wire together”.  This means that in traumatic experiences stimuli that are not connected with trauma can be encoded and stored within the trauma memory and can be an immediate cue for danger. AND it is likely outside the child’s conscious awareness.  
 
They child will not be able to tell you that a specific sound, smell, taste, expression, or body position was present during a trauma.  And at the same time their body is remembering and will start to become dysregulated and go into a fight/fight response. The body will see this stimuli just as threatening or dangerous as the initial trauma. 
 
As therapists we often hear parents say that moods shifted “out of nowhere” or comment that the child was having a great day and then something shifted.  It is likely that in all of the sensory data that is coming into their bodies.  I talk HERE about how our bodies process anywhere from 11 million up to billions of sensory bits of data per second, but only 40-50 bits are conscious.  
 
When we look at this information it makes sense that a child can become easily triggered and it might not make sense to the child or the parent.   
 
Once we can understand the neuroscientific principles that are underlying emotional regulation and dysregulation we can begin to support parents and children in widening the window of tolerance and their ability to tolerate distress! 

Want to learn more about Play Therapy and the neuroscience of regulation? Check out this training HERE! 
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​Agates are a beautiful metaphor for therapy and mental wellness.  When you find them they are dull, rough, and plain on the outside, but….with some polishing and care - they shine! 
 
And like people - agates come in many forms and colors.  Each one special with intricate patterns, bands, and colors - no two are exactly alike. 
 
Just like in therapy when young people can work on themselves we reveal the best parts of ourselves alongside the imperfect nicks, chips, and cracks. In essence - building a life where young people can live as the best versions of themselves.  Especially when being a young person means that sometimes you will get angry, cry, or have tough days. 
 
The best place to find them? Well..my driveway for one.  And gravel pits.  And sometimes if it is not too picked over the beach!  
 
Agates have been used for a metaphor in therapy by Ana Gomez, MC, LPC in her book EMDR Therapy and Adjunct Approaches with Children as well as a metaphor for not overlooking what makes us special in the book Agate by Joy Morgan Dey and Nikki Johson, local authors from Duluth Minnesota!
 
Agate is a moose who is surrounded by friends who are sparkling gems.  In this book we find out what is unique and special about all of Agate’s friends like Garnet the crocodile, Diamond the giraffe, and Emerald the lion.  
 
Agate feels pretty glum that around all of these gems he feels like a tinker toy project gone wrong. He compares himself to all his sparkling friends and can only see the positives about them, but struggles to see the shine in himself. 
 
At the end we find that Agate learns one simple rule:
 
“Let yourself shine, and let others find your a fabulous, knobbly, glorious, lumpity, terrific, bumpity, incredible, gangly, remarkable, splendid, magnificent, secret jewel!” 
 
This book is an AMAZING addition to your bibliotherapy library to help young people know their own individual strengths, especially those who compare themselves to others.  We can help young people be glad that they are them and appreciate the way others shine - as both are gems in life’s marvelous zoo! 
 
At the end of the book you can have young people draw an animal according to their birth stone (all are listed in the back) and write a page from the book about what makes them special.  
 
You can also do an activity with agates where you can find a picture, draw a picture, or have some agates of your own in your office.  You can have a child select which one they identify with and how they are like a “secret jewel”! 
 
Looking for more bibliotherapy interventions? Check out this training HERE! 

P.S. - those are also some of my favorite agates from home up above!