Nearly all young people who come into our offices have one thing in common - difficulties with emotional dysregulation.  
 
Some (and I would argue nearly all - but that is a topic for a different day) come in with traumatic experiences (of all sizes) that have shaped their nervous system to be more easily triggered by certain things, situations, or stimuli. They have an oversensitive amygdala that, although it has good intentions, is often hypervigilant for cues of danger. 
 
This leads to difficulty with regulating big feelings like sadness, anger, stress, or anxiety.  And then some of the young people we work with go in the complete opposition direction.  They are restrictive, where they spend a lot of time repressing and pushing emotions down. These are the kids where we spend our time getting them to “feel the feelings”. 
 
But all of them, with your support, need to find their “just right” of regulation.  Like in Goldilocks and the Three Bears - not too much, not too little, just right! 
 
So with this comes the first truth about emotional regulation - It’s ALL about regulation! 
 
In your work in supporting young people on their journey of “just right” I wanted to share these other three truths you might not know about emotional regulation. 
 
Regulation Doesn’t Equal Calm 
Now, calm might be the ideal!  We feel at our best when we have what I call “comfortable feelings”.  However, we can be regulated within our sadness, our anxiety, and our anger.  Connected to ourselves with our prefrontal cortex in charge.  BUT don’t take my word for it - listen to Lisa Dion as she talks about it HERE!  
 
One of the first times I heard her talk about this, some major things clicked for me.  The truth that feeling and experiencing our feelings is so important, and while it is most comfortable to be calm, the real goal becomes regulated enough to have control and widen the gap between feeling and action.  
 
Not All Regulation Breathing is the Same 
Deep breathing is undoubtedly one of the quickest ways to engage the vagal break, slow the heart rate, bring us back into connection with self and help re-engage the prefrontal cortex.  
 
However, did you know that some breathing is meant to slow the heart rate and some is meant to increase heart rate? And BOTH are for regulation?  
 
Okay - so the deep breathing we usually teach our clients usually has a longer exhale than inhale.  When I teach deep breathing I usually teach 4 counts in, hold for 4, and out for 8.  This type of breathing slows the heart rate and brings us from hyperaroused (fight/flight) back to regulated. 
 
However if someone is hypoaroused (collapse/shut down) you actually want to flip it and breathe in for twice as long as you breathe out! So this might look like breathing in for 8 and out for 4.  With this your heart rate increases, bringing you out of a depressed/shut down state and back to regulated! 
 
Self Regulation is Internalized Co-Regulation 
 
Allan Shore’s work (you can read some of it HERE) goes really deep into the neuroscience of attachment.  What’s fascinating is that the attachment transactions between mother and baby are actually imprinted in implicit procedural memory creating enduring internal working models for coping strategies and affect regulation. 
 
SO this means that the way that we self-regulate is actually an internalized model of how our attachment figure co-regulated with us. This highlights the importance of working on strengthening the attachment relationship!
 
Robyn Gobbel actually goes as far to say that self regulation doesn’t exist!  See what she has to say HERE! 
 
So there you have it! Four truths about emotional regulation that hopefully will help you think a little more critically or have a bit of a different lens when you are doing the hard work of helping the nervous systems of the young people you work with regulate more effectively. 

What about you?  Share your truths about regulation below! 

One of the most widely taught (and most effective) regulation skills taught? Deep breathing! Woo hooo! Exciting right?
 
Maybe I am the only one, but when I introduce the power of deep breathing to the young people I work with I am almost always met with an, um... underwhelming response. 
 
Some say “I am always breathing aren’t I? Why do I have to learn to deep breathe?”  Others say “If breathing helped I wouldn’t get dysregulated in the first place right?” Okay maybe they use words like upset/ticked off or something else when talking about it - but you get the idea! 
 
OR we have the young people who come into our office who have heard it all before.  They have tried “the deep breathing thing” and it hasn’t worked. When we ask them to demonstrate they miiiight take a shallow exhale where they fill up their chest and suck in their tummies.  Yup, that breathing definitely will not work.
 
Okay, so here is where we as Play Therapists roll up our sleeves and combine the powers of deep breathing with the powers of play and get to work!  
 
First and foremost I always feel like some quality neuroscience explaining how when we breathe deeply it calms our heart signaling to our body we aren’t in danger is key for buy in.  I fully believe once young people understand WHY deep breathing is so effective (based in science) they are definitely more on board to practice and try. 
 
Next it’s time to teach the HOW of deep breathing.  Making sure that young people understand that their tummy should fill up on the inhale and get smaller on the exhale, with the top of their chest moving very little.  Sometimes we can help young people do this by putting one hand on their chest and one on their tummy.  As you breathe together help them notice which hand is moving in and out and make changes as necessary. 
 
You can also have them give something a “tummy ride” or an “elevator ride” where the young person lays on their back and places on object on their tummy and watches it go up and down with breath! 
 
Next, it’s time to make it fun! For one thing, young people learn better when they are having fun.  Want to dive deeper into the neuroscience?  Check out this article HERE! 
 
Okay - now on to some fun and engaging activities to learn deep breathing! 
 
Breathing With Bubbles 
There are so many playful activities you can do with bubbles!  One of my favorite things to do with them is practice those slow long deep breaths.  You can get little mini-sized bottles of bubbles on Amazon or the party favor aisle of Target.  
 
Some of my best tips for bubble blowing is to make sure you practice some inhales and slow and long exhales before starting the bubble blowing process.  I always coach young people to fully exhale (even if they are out of bubbles) before blowing another round.  Sometimes for these teaching moments it can be good to invest in a little more expensive bubble where the bubbles keep coming after the first blow! 
 
Other props that can help with deep breathing? Feathers and pinwheels! 
 
Breathing and Smelling Visualizations  
Cooking breathing is a technique by Liana Lowenstein will make anyone hungry! In short you call up in your imagination a warm cookie fresh out of the oven.  You can have the child pick which cookie flavor they want to breathe with for the day.  First with your nose you smell all the cookie goodness (mine is chocolate chip!) and then blow out to cool the cookie down.  
 
I like to put my hand out in front of me like I am holding the cookie flat to get more into it!  Liana has the complete version HERE as well as a really fun game where you get to eat actual cookies! YUM! 
 
Some other spins on this technique: 

• Smell the brownie and blow to cool it down 
• Smell the hot cocoa/cider and blow to cool it down 
• Smell the candle and blow out the candle 
• Smell the flower blow the dandelion 

 
Breathing Like Animals 
This video from Sanford Health takes you through how to breathe like a bunny, bumble bee, bear, lion, and crocodile! AND another tip to help with deep breathing - practice, practice, practice!  I love when I can send parents a link so they have an easy way to practice at home! 
 
You can pretty much use animals (and magical beings) for inspiration for many kinds of breath!  Breathe in and blow out fire like a dragon!  Breathe in and roar out like a lion! 
 
Breathing With Movement 
Sometimes it can be difficult for young people to pace how long they should breathe in and how long they should breathe out.  For this reason getting really visual is important.  Sometimes we can start with our hands at our sides (palms out) and raise them up over our heads on the inhale and lower them back down on the exhale.  
 
Another way to get movement in with breath is a Hoberman Sphere. On the inhale expand the ball and make it large and on the exhale shrinking it back down! 
 
Tracing Breathing 
With this technique you can imagine or physically trace with your finger shapes while you pace your breathing.  Coping Skills for Kids has a free download HERE for four of my favorite types of tracing breathing: 

• Star breathing 
• Lazy 8 Breathing 
• Triangle Breathing 
• Square Breathing 

 
Want to check out more ways to regulate?  Check out these resources HERE and HERE! 
 
What are your favorite ways to deep breathe with young people? Comment below! 

Oh the things I have made in my office for regulation! Okay, in all honesty it hasn’t always been...the cleanest of things.  Have I been out of my window of tolerance? Yes. Have I also learned some tips and tricks to make these things a bit neater? Also yes. Do kids always have fun? Most definitely!  
 
Here is a list of the things I like to make with young people for regulation: 
 
Calm Down Jars 
These are the beautiful jars with swirly glitter that gets all excited when you shake it.  They are amazing for mindfulness and are oh so soothing to look at. 
 
If you have the book Moody Cow Meditates they would call it a “Moody Cow Mind Jar”.  The book talks about the glitter swirling around as upset thoughts and as we watch the glitter settle our thoughts settle too. Katie from the blog Preschool Inspiration goes over 6 ways to make these jars on her blog HERE! 
 
My favorite tips are VOSS water bottles seem to be the best for being plastic and a smooth exterior (some water bottles can be pretty bumpy).  You can also super glue the lid on if you are worried that the top may come off. Also, the glitter will get everywhere. Have a lot of paper towels. 

I like to use warm water to help mix with the glue and it usually with settle a lot slower the fist couple of times you shake it and get quicker/less thick later on.  

Want to use a more environmentally friendly form of glitter? Check out Bio-Glitter! 
 
Play Dough 
My favorite part of Play Therapy trainings are the trainings that put the mini playdough containers on the tables as an invitation to play.  It is just the best.  It make sense that young people also love to regulate emotions and feel in control by squishing, squeezing, rolling and creating! 
 
One of the hardest things about making playdough in office is the cooking aspect. This recipe HERE is great.  You need a mixing bowl and the only measuring materials you will need is the one cup and one tablespoon.  You also will need flour, salt, cream of tartar, oil, and liquid food coloring. For the boiling water make sure you have a glass measuring cup and pop it in the microwave.   
 
You may need some extra thought and prep of how to get to the microwave and back, which might require permissions about a break room, parking the child in the waiting room with their parent, or a number of different other options.  With creativity it can be done.  
 
Then you mix, color, and play! 
 
For holding you can put it in a plastic bag or the plastic disposable condiment containers you can buy at the store in the disposable Tupperware aisle. 
 
Then, the child can take the playdough home and regulates away! 
 
Stress Balls 
Or as I call them, balloons filled with rice, beans, or sand.  Or nearly anything else like that.  The cool thing about offering different materials is that you can get a different sensory experience from each.
 
Kids love these things and over the course of therapy I might make many, many, many stress balls with one child.  For this activity you need your “filler” - which is rice, beans, sand, etc., a funnel, and some balloons! 
 
I like to ask children if they want to be the “holder” or the “pourer”.  The holder sounds pretty boring so they most likely will want to be the pourer.  This is good news because if you are the “holder” you get to make sure the child stops putting the filler in the funnel before it overflows  all over the floor and carpet.  Ask me how I know. 
 
After the balloon gets good and full you tie it up and there you have your stress ball.  Some of my best tips for this is double ballooning.  Once you tie up the end cut the bottom off a second balloon.  Putting it over the tie of the first balloon creates a second layer of balloon goodness.  This will prevent the stress ball (more than just one layer) from breaking and spilling all over the inside of the car, the dining room, or their bedroom.  Again, ask me how I know. 
 
The last tip with this is informed consent. Let the parent know about the activity, what is inside, and that it miiiiight come open.  For this reason I have gravitated more towards rice and beans (easier to clean up) than sand (very hard to clean up).  
 
I Spy Jars 
These are so fun but do take some prep work on your part.  For these jars I have dyed rice.  That might sound super complicated - there are instructions for how to do it with kool aid HERE! The bonus is it smells good and I have done the mixing part over a client cancellation hour.  The drying part takes a bit longer so if you are doing it at the office you need to make sure you have somewhere to put it.  
 
To make the jars you could use water bottles (with more rice) but I saved glass spice jars to make the I Spy Jars with.  Less rice, smaller to transport, all positives.  
 
For this activity you have the child pick what color of rice they want in their jar.  You can make this into a traditional I Spy, but I like to use a calming word for the jars.  For this you also need letter beads, like these HERE. The child picks a calming word or affirmation, selects the needed letters and pops them in the jar. 
 
THEN they need to find all the letters, in order, to complete the hunt! Oh, and they are also reminded of their calming word in an effort to shift cognitions. Fantastic bonus! 
 
So there you have it, my top 4 calming crafts I love to make in my office!

​My one last tip is that there are a bit of odd materials you may need for these activities that you may not want in your general play stash.  Flour, beans, and definitely food coloring.  I have a little bin that I keep up higher with all of these materials.  Currently I have them stored in a stockroom and out of my office. 
 
Now what about  you? What sorts of regulation crafts are your favorite? Let me know below! 

​Being a Cognitive Behavioral Play Therapist I truly believe that shifting the way we think about a situation is life changing.  If we can shift the way we think our feelings (and behaviors) will follow the lead.   This means the way we think about things is the key to feeling better, having more connected relationships, and behaviors that we can feel confident about. 
 
Calming affirmations are specific phrases you can generate with a child or teen to help them gain control over their thoughts and regulate their emotions.  It is usually positive or empowering in nature and is strengthened through practice.  
 
Sometimes you need to be a detective with the young people you work with and identify together what are the situations that come up the most often that they are upset by and what they were thinking. 
 
This could be with sand tray, puppet shows, drawings, or miniature role play.  The ways that we can reach these themes through play are many!
 
Now, once you have the common themes and thoughts that lead to the distress (likely rooted in their core beliefs about themselves and the world) you can get really good and developing the specific statements that will be the most impactful in the moment for regulation. 
 
My top 3 favorite are below: 
 
I am safe. 
At the end of the day nervous system dysregulation is all about safety.  If our amygdala thinks something is threatening our life, like going to seriously injure or kill us, it will send us into the fight/flight response, which is all about safety.  AND our amygdala will also send is into this response because of things it thinks are dangerous, not just things that are actually dangerous.  Like that algebra test, having to get off video games, or when our friends don't invite us out to play.   At the end of the day we need to remind ourselves that we are safe. 
 
I have choices. 
When we are anxious or angry sometimes we feel trapped. Like there is no way out of this thing that is in front of us.  But, when we are using more of the regulated critical thinking parts of our brain we know this isn’t true.  We know that there are choices, although sometimes not ideal ones. Even when that choice is what we tell ourselves and what we do with our own bodies. 
 
I am loved. 
One of the biggest threats to us can be a social threat.  The fear of abandonment and rejection.  Sometimes when one person can be unkind or rejecting of us it feels like ALL people in our lives feel that way.  It’s just simply not true and when we check the facts there are so many people that care about us and love us. 
 
Once you have the most important phrases that young people need to tell themselves, getting them to remember and use these statements is another story. 
 
And part of that story? A lot of forgetting.  And I get it, it’s hard if you haven’t practiced or don’t have a visual reminder.  Heck - change in generally is really hard, even for adults with fully formed prefrontal cortexes.  
 
You as the therapist have to get VERY creative for how to help young people retain and remember the statement.  Sometimes it is art, other times it is engaging a parent for help, or a visual prompt.  
 
My favorite for teens? Writing it on the mirror with a dry erase marker and rehearsing it before starting the day.   
 
I wanted to share this FREE download of 15 of calming affirmations.  They are easy to print out (either you or your client) and small enough to fold up, tape to a notebook, put up on the wall or mirror, or fold in a pocket.  
 
Make sure you grab your copy HERE to help the young people you work with have another tool in their toolbox for calming self statements! 

I would say that nearly all of the young people that walk in our door have big feelings. You know, tantrums, outbursts, frequent worry, panic at separation, loads of crying, times of feeling sad, worries that keep them from doing the things they love, pain about something tough that is happening in the past, currently happening, or will be happening.  Yea, those big feelings. 

I have yet to meet one child who didn’t have dysregulated emotions. 

And with that often comes shame.  Feeling like they are somehow wrong or bad for having big feelings. Like it is bad to be angry. Weak to be sad or anxious. Shameful to not be "in control". 

AND none of these are true.  The truth is these emotions, all of them, are a part of normal human experience. Normalizing this is essential for helping children work through these feelings. 

I wanted to share one of my favorite ways to talk about and normalizing having these big emotional reactions.  It usually goes something like this: 

Feelings are not good or bad. They are our bodies way of telling us what is happening in the world around us and our bodies compass to help us decide what to do next. 

Feelings are something we all (including me) have every day, multiple times per day. I also will rope parents into the discussion and ask parents if they have been sad, happy, mad, or worried today - even just a little big.  Spoiler alert - the answer is always YES! 
​
Not the big giant feelings all the time, but little tiny ups and downs with some medium and large feelings thrown in the mix. 

The next piece to know is that feelings are either comfortable or uncomfortable.

The comfortable feelings let us know that we like (or are at least okay with) what is happening and want more of that thing in our environment. 

The uncomfortable feelings let us know that we don’t like what is happening around us or it is unsafe. It lets us know that we would like something to be different, or in cases of safety we need something different to survive. 

Are you with me so far? Good. 

So next, all behavior is purposeful and a way to either stay with those comfortable feelings or to get back to comfortable (or safe) feelings/circumstances.

After we have that down, we shift to behavior.  We now know that all behavior is purposeful and to help us get back to a safe/comfortable state.  Well….

Choices or behaviors can be helpful or unhelpful.

While we understand what a bummer it is to have to stop playing a video game, and thinking at some level that yelling loudly how we need to finish this level and how unfair it is that we have to quit is an attempt to keep playing the game (comfortable), the behavior is pretty unhelpful for not only the young person but everyone around them. 

Our job as therapists then becomes how can we help young people have insight into their emotions, warning signs, and triggers and give them the tools to return to comfortable states.

Sometimes that might look like working on assertiveness and instead of yelling asking.  Sometimes that might look like radical acceptance and using other things to regulate like sharing feelings, using deep breaths, or finding something else enjoyable to engage in. 

I often find that normalizing feelings and taking the shame out of them, and the behavior that follows is the way to start!

How do you normalize feelings with clients? Tell us more in a comment below!

“Type it in the chat”
 
Well...this is something I never dreamed would become a part of my therapy practice on the regular.  I have continued to be amazed and inspired by ways that play therapy and Tele-Play combine into something that is uniquely all of its own.

I wanted to share some of the themes and interventions I am seeing with the chat feature in hopes that you will get curious about diving deeper beyond the video stream on your screen!
 
Privacy 
I have some older middle school clients and teens that don’t have the most secure environment to meet in.  Sometimes there is something they want to say but are aware that others could be within hearing distance.  Sometimes the chat feels safer, even just to kick off a detail about a topic that otherwise feels too private to even speak. 
 
Processing 
For other young people I see they aren’t quite sure HOW they want to say something.  They will use the chat feature to communicate and “edit” what they want to say, read, re-read and then hit enter when it seems to be the closest to what they want to say to you and how they want to say it. 
 
To express dysregulation
Kjsdflkjs lf dlkfa dklsdj;f kldsf lsdk f 
KDJLSDkdsldkjskjf;oisdiwjekmx
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dsdg
 
Do you ever get multiple sentences like this in the chat? Sometimes it’s funny, but sometimes it can show up as something different. 
 
Sometimes it is the way young people communicate through actions that they don’t like something that is being said.  Or they are bored, anxious, or really any other form of dysregulation. You know, the way in office that they might yell, interrupt, or show you in some other way that they are dysregulated. It’s another way they communicate their inner state to us! 
 
Testing limits and boundaries 
Sometimes the chat feature is used to see where the limits are.  What if I say something in the chat that I wouldn’t say out loud? What if a drop a POOP emoji? What about a gun? Is THAT allowed? How will you respond? 
 
To PLAY! 
This last one is by far my favorite and one of the most amazing ways I have seen kids adapt to Tele-Play! Sometimes in response to a prompt, noticing statement or question there an emoji pops into the chat.  Sometimes they invite you to respond in emoji. Sometimes you can co-tell stories and in the chat the play takes on a life of its own! 
 
Chat Feature Intervention: Tell Me a Story 
Here is one of the interventions I have enjoyed doing.  It is similar to using story cubes, like I talk about in greater detail HERE!  BUT instead of rolling the dice to identify the symbols in the story you can use the chat feature in the following ways: 
​

• The therapist might pick some emojis for the child to base the story on.
  
• The child could pick the emoji’s.   
  
• You could pick all at once or one at a time throughout the story.  
• You could alter turns between therapist selecting an emoji and telling a bit of the story and the child picking an emoji and telling the next part. 

 
There is not a lot of structure to this and it is incredibly flexible.  If the therapist chooses the child could have an invitation to reject or “re-do” one of the emoji’s.  You could choose to base it on some of the rules from the free printable HERE! 
 
This one is really the quintessential “no supplies play therapy” intervention!
 
What have you noticed about the chat feature and Tele-Play? Have you developed any interventions? Drop a comment below! 
 
PS if you are not sure how to get emoji’s - if you are in DoxyMe right click in the text areas of the chat and the top of the menu will say Emoji.  When you click on that it opens up a beautiful array of emoji’s to choose from. OR you can hit the windows key (on a PC) and period at the same time and the box will pop up! 
​

 The stickers I used to label the personal Play Therapy folders (above) are available as a free download HERE! The labels were printed on Avery 15264 Labels (3 1/3'' x 4'') BUT you can also print on paper and just tape onto folders too!


Have you been using Play Therapy folders in your Tele-Play practice?  Have you found other ways to create containment?  Drop a comment below!

Representation is important. It’s more than important, it is essential in your Playroom.

You need to ensure that there are multiple figures that represent each of your clients in your Playroom.  When they enter your space they need to see not just one but multiple characters that they could use to reflect their experiences, should they want or need to!

I wanted to round up my top 14 multicultural miniatures that I either have for my Playroom or have stumbled across in my search for toys (like in these kits HERE) that I think would be a fantastic addition to every Playroom.

I would also use this as an invitation for you to take stock of your playroom and assess how clients of color will feel as they enter your space.  What would they see, not see, or wish they had?
These are crucial questions to be asking and continue to ask ourselves as Play Therapists. 

So after you do that, it’s time to get inspired!  

Here is my list of my Top 14 Favorite Multicultural Minis:

Everyday People

The “Mega Set” – This is the largest family set I have found!  It includes 4 family sets (mother, father, 4 children, grandmother, grandfather) for a total of 32 figures! 

Sunny Doll Family - This amazingly sweet wooden doll set comes from Tender Leaf Toys and have an individual bendy doll HERE! 

The Modern “Mega Set” – This set includes 4 family sets (mother, father, son, daughter, baby) and is a little more spendy, but it is a much more modern family representation with outfits and clothes.  OH – and it’s bendy! Both “Mega Sets” include a diverse representation of hair as well!

Differing Abilities – This set includes 5 miniatures (5 inch) with different disabilities!

Around The World – This set includes 8 5 inch miniatures from different countries wearing more traditional dress.


Peg Dolls 

I purchased a large set of multicultural family peg dolls from LittleNeighbors on Etsy. I LOVE them! Buuut she is taking a break from selling right now. She always updates when her collections will be back and you can follow her on instagram at @littleneighbors for updates! (These are the miniatures in the picture up top!)

I found these other listings from Elm and Otter, JustAddImaginationCo (16 miniatures for $14.00 is a steal!), and  MyBigWorldPlayscapes, that are beautiful as well.  OR try to make some on your own with these unfinished dolls HERE!

Babies

 Toob Babies – these babies come in multi ethnicities with different and fun poses!  They are larger and have much more detail than the mini-babies below

 Mini-Babies- this set includes 72 pieces of 1 inch miniatures.  There are three ethnicities of babies, and although you likely don’t need ALL these babies they are at such a low price that you can afford to share with your Play Therapy besties! I got my first one for my Sand Tray from a baby shower and my clients LOVE it!

​Ok..now that you have looked at them they do look a little creepy - BUT my young people LOVE them and because of their size (and maybe lack of clothes, or maybe something else) these are so great for vulnerability play. 
 
Community Helpers and Professionals

Constructive Playthings – this set includes 8 diverse miniatures (3 inches) with differing jobs!
​
Constructive Playthings Wooden Set- Constructive Playthings has an additional set of wooden community helpers with differing jobs and abilities. 

Little Professionals – This set includes 15 wooden painted miniatures (3 inches) with differing careers.  They are a bit more affordable but are not 3D figures like the others.

Fantasy

Fairy Toob -  This is one of the more expensive TOOBs BUT it is so wonderful!  There are multi ethnicities and hair types represented AND also male fairies!

So there you have it!  My top 14 favorite diverse Play Therapy miniatures!  What did I miss?  What are your favorites?  Drop a comment below!